Happiest When Planning (Working)

It’s been a while since I’ve thought about blogging.  Instead of writing, I’ve been working, getting a promotion, working, and yes, more working.   I’ve also been making plans and living in the moments of my life.  I have found that working keeps me balanced in a way that I find therapeutic.  When i work, I cannot solely concentrate on myself.   My focus is on the task at hand; serving the public.   I’m not saying i don’t have things going on in my mind.  What I am saying is that my focus is not on myself, therefore, I don’t obsess, worry.  It’s very liberating.

Since my last post, I’ve lost a dear loved one.  ALthough we often didn’t get along, this person was a major part of my life.  Always encouraging me, telling me how proud they were of me, they gave me the courage to face my life with a sense of confidence.   Losing this person gave me clarity about my path.  The month of May was a turning point month.  May was the month I saw this person suffer and pass on. In May, I made the decision to follow my dream: Owning my own food service business.

I have made progress in making my dream a reality.  First step: Move towards a supervisor role within the company I work for. I got the promotion needed to achieve my ultimate goal.  It’s a hard and challenging position.  I am not taking this new role lightly.  This role will aid me in obtaining the skills to manage my own employees in the future.  RIght now, learning to perfect the skills I need to be successful in this new role is paramount.  I do experience negative thoughts from time to time, wondering if I made the right decisions.  HOwever, I remember what my loved one used to say to me, and I keep going.  I keep working.  I keep planning.  I keep winning.

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Rollin’ With My Family

My brother, who lives in Oakland, had surgery yesterday.  I took the week off to help with the day to day runnings of the household.  It’s weird hanging with my brother and his family.  I don’t know them well.  In fact, it wasn’t until I started working on the rails that I got to see him “often”.  Before then, we were estranged, at best.  We still clash a lot.  We are 18 years apart and don’t really have anything in common.

I am grateful for this time with his family.  I’m getting to learn more about my brother.  I’m enjoying time with my niece and nephew (9 years old twins).  I like talking with my sis-in-law.  It’s cool.  I’m out of my element, though.  These people are intellectuals, while I’m the “blue collar” worker.  The kids think I’m cooler than shit because I’m a chef.  They both love to cook.  I guess I should enjoy my time and not over analyze.

Things I’ve Learned (in the past 2 months)

I’ve been off grid (no Facebook, minimal Twitter) for the past 6 months. In the last two months, I have distanced myself from a lot of society and I have learned a few things.

1. There is nothing like being alone with yourself.
2. I like being alone to myself.
3. I really don’t need too much to survive. (Food, shelter, job, sex)
4. When I want company, I know where to find it.
5. This lifestyle suits me.

I am trying something new this year: 1 year with limited interaction with others. I’ll blog when I can. Keep in touch with my mother, of course. Although I’m moving back closer to the city, going out to party will be extremely limited.

I’m refraining from pagan gatherings this summer. Instead, I’m going strictly solitary. I need to grow in my spiritual connection with the Goddess and God. I’ve neglected communing with them and I am deeply troubled by it. I need to set time aside to develop my spiritual talents and hone my kitchen witch skills. I need to focus with no distractions.

Of course, times may arise when I must make an appearance at social gatherings, but the qualifications of such interactions must be strictly adhered to. This year, my wonderful “gay husband” is marrying the love of his life and I am going to the wedding. I’ve never met his betrothed. But I hear he’s a doll. I will not miss out on witnessing this union. After that, I have nothing else that take precedent over my goals of self imposed solitary confinement.

This will be hard, but I must stay firm in this endeavor. I have promised myself a lot of promises in the past year, all of which have been broken and/or forgotten. I’m going to keep this year’s goal simple: Grow up and learn to love myself without the assistance and insistence of others.

Another Day. No dollar

January has been an iffy month for my in my line of work.  At the start of the year, I found myself “homeless” and not working.  That sounds utterly depressing, I know, but let me explain.  Upon my arrival from my last of the year trip, I found that I had no keys to get into my cabin.  They had been stolen whist I was in Chicago.  I called my landlady, but she did not answer, so I headed off to Portland.  There I stayed for 8 days until the landlady decided to give me a ring.  She stated she had opened my door 7 days prior but neglected to phone me and let me know.  Meanwhile, my fellow co-workers whom normally don’t want to show to work, all decided to start the new year on the right foot!  I didn’t work for 10 days.

I enjoyed hanging out in Portland, enjoying helping my friends decorate the social club of which we are members.  Alas, I overstayed my welcome and had a clash with one acquaintance.  It is what it is.  I’ve lived and learned I must ALWAYS stay in my own space, be it a hotel, camp ground, etc..  I’m not a good house guest, I’m afraid.  Whatever I am, I figured out I needed that time off and so did the Universe.

Today, I am resting, blogging, and becoming restless.  I’m on my 4th day of no work again and it’s driving me nuts.  I’ve made plans for February and it would be nice to know I’ll have some money to execute these plans.  Ah, being out of control works my self control.

Nothing Like A Thief

My job started a new program with my train.  Instead of unloading all my stock, we now get to just ask for what we need to top off what was already used.  I like this program.  A lot of my coworkers were not too keen on this new change.  My coworkers are not very keen on change, regardless of the benefits.  Their main worry, as was mine, was theft while the train was at the station or train yards.  I had the same worry, but management seemed to have it all figured out.

Last week was the first week of implementing the program.  I knew there were kinks in the program, but all roll outs have kinks in them and would eventually getting worked out.  I didn’t realize that being one of the first crews to carry out this change would give me trouble.  I may be a drama queen, but I HATE TROUBLE!

The plan went without a hitch, really.  I did what management wanted me to do as far as locking up my train car.  I was in a rush, so I left my personal bag of goodies on the counter top along with my house keys.  I didn’t think anything of it because I have secured all doors that lead to me section of the train car.  Humph!  I didn’t do a good enough job.  The next morning, I came to my car, opened all the locks, went downstairs expecting to find my area the way I left it.  NOPE!  My bag was gone and so were my keys!

There is nothing like a thief, I say.  They are determined souls that want what they want, when they want it.  They find ways of getting exactly what they want with no regards as to how it would affect the owners of the things they want to steal.  I don’t like thieves and I definitely don’t like ones that are also coworkers.  My belongings were stolen by a coworker who works at the particular yard my train was housed.  What’s sad is I’m sure the thief makes more money than I do and that’s what is bothering me so.  Okay, take my goodies, but what the hell are you gonna do with keys that opens a door 2000 miles away!

Anger, you shall reign no more.

Anger is a true emotion. It can motivate. It can destroy. It can mobilize peoples of nations. And, it can immobilize a person’s heart.

I’m angry. I’m very angry; extremely angry. I’m trying to work through it. I really am. I’m finding it hard to keep the anger at bay. There are days when I’m seething to the point of agony. My body is not accepting my internalization of my feelings. It’s regurgitating, vomiting venom in the form of illnesses, diseases, cancers. I feel powerless to stop the progression and even more angry that I feel this way.

Last night, I spoke with friends about what’s been going on with me. One, a very wise, yet eclectic witch, gave me insight and advice that really made me think. So, I went to lay down and rest. I fell asleep and had the most enlightening dream. I was visited by my father and he spoke to me about life. He was disappointed with what I had made of my life. He spoke of watching over me and being a guardian. He told me he has seen me grow and wilt and it troubles him.

I felt disgusted that I disappointed my dad. He was my best buddy up until the day he died. As we sat and he talked , I felt ashamed of myself for allowing my pain, anger, sadness, and discontent to dictate my decisions. My dad continued to speak of every life choice I’ve made and gave his opinion. He finally quieted down and let me mull over his words, his view of me. He hugged me, told me he loved me. I was jolted awake by my friend.

The dream seemed so real. I moved to the living room where my inflatable bed was waiting for me. I laid down without a word and went back to sleep. I slept fitfully. My dad did not return. I woke up this morning with anger and shame.

I’m angry. I’m angry about so many things. Mostly, I’m angry that I allowed myself to be a shell of myself, an opaque human being that has not really lived. I’m angry and now it’s time to let that go and work towards being the daughter my father knows I can be, the steward of love that he raised me to be. Time to truly be honest with me, not just in spurts, but all the time and work this shit out.

I’m a beautiful soul with a purpose. That purpose is to live in love and shine.

Forget Him, Forgotten

I’ve been actively engaging in non-committal sexual encounters while attending a wonderful adult club when I have time off. I have a membership at this club and its a beautiful place to hang with like minded kinksters, swingers, sex addicts, etc. I have friends that are members as well, and it’s fun to hang out with them. I’ve also made some interesting acquaintances, a few with which I have had some sort of sexual activity.

I am a sexually driven and charged woman. I have always enjoyed giving sex to others but I’ve never been one to “enjoy” sex. Sex is a way for me to partake in masochistic punishment; my submissive side is pleasures beyond compare when I pleasure a lover to completion. However, I have never had a lover that has brought me to orgasm; not one (and that number is in the quadruple digits). I’ve learned to fake it quite well. I have learned to use my muscles to create the ripples of wonderfully orchestrated orgasms and that is fine with me. What I get out of sex is a pleasure pain sensation that gives my masochistic ego an outlet and my submission side to be of service. I give myself orgasms later.

With that said, experiencing sexual trauma for the second time in my life in recent months has created a paradox within me. I trust no one. Yes, I go to a sex club and have sex with strangers (mostly). It’s comfortable for me at this time. Sometimes, I don’t enjoy it, although I act like it. It’s painful now, but I do it anyway. The fucker who raped me did a number on my vaginal walls which required medical attention once I got back home to “deal” with the situation. I allowed myself time to heal, physically, I think, even though penetration is excruciating at times. I’m pushing on, even though I know I should give my vagina a rest. I want to go on as if nothing has changed. Move on, if you will.

With all this going on, I find that some potential lovers are interested in more than a single playtime. One lover, I simply think is a total gentleman and I enjoy making him happy without actually participating in sex. I call him a repeat offender and his significant other is happy he has spent time with me. Another potential has pursued me for two weeks, playing the cat and mouse game. I’m not into love games but I gave him a chance I even called a friend to get advice about how to proceed with this man. Alas, he has asked me out a few times. One time, I had to back out because I was too tired. The second and third times, he backed out of because of a bad cold. Honestly, after having text convos with him and noticing inconsistent issues, I’ve lost interest rather quickly. There are others I have noticed, but most won’t approach me and I wave them off.

This chapter in my life is being dictated by an incident(s) that I can’t seem to shake off. I’m not a victim. I’m not a survivor. I’m a human that bad shit happens to sometimes and it’s time to move on. I honestly, don’t think I will ever be ready for a seriously intense relationship. I’m not emotionally available and, frankly, it’s too scary a situation to ponder. At this point, it’s safe to say I feel like damaged goods beyond repair. However, I do want to relish being of service again and “enjoy” the pleasure my body can give to someone in need. Maybe it’s time to forget “him” and the present past be forgotten.